Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just invented taco cereal.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
