Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize