Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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