I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
