but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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