I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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