Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
