I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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