I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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