Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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