I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize