fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
