im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
