I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
