I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
