Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just found a bag of teeth...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize