if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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