Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
