Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
