Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
