the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
