dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize