Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
