dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
