It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize