2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
