just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
