Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
