Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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