i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
