where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
