Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
