i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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