You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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