you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
