Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
