Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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