Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
