I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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