I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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