I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
