i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
