I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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