I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
