I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
