a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
