we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He better not be in your backpack
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
