Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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