New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
