she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
