Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
