You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
