I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
