she kept yelling 'call me bella'
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
