So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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