I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
