he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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