Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
