remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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