my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize