I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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